Cracks of Illusion

 

 

Gabriel Puyó

Copyright © 2011 Gabriel Puyó

All rights reserved.

ISBN:

ISBN-13:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my parents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“When someone does not know things, enough misfortune bears. if he does not like them, don’t look at them. and if he stops in order to contemplate them, look at them with respect. it is the least demanded by the most elemental educacion”. Jorge Puyó Navarro. Notes of a sheperd’s life.

 

“By listening that melody, those celestial notes, I was feeling sent to other worlds, true paradises, in which holy fragrances from glorious gardens and oasis in remote deserts, caressed my pale countenance, embraced by wrinkles in the shape of pure cracks that were showing to the world, how exhausted I was to keep living…”

 

I am forty years old and this is the story o my life… of my regretful life. A story about disappointments and lies, shadows and falseness but above all things, about disappointments.

I am writing this to be my testimony, my only valid acknowledgement… the only single thing I can feel proud of.

Probably these words sound bad, but truthfully life is sad. No blossoming lasts… just some ephemeral moments to fade away instantly.

I am not writing to be liked. Most of you will detest every single expression here confessed, every letter… however, others will reflect themselves on the crudity of these pages and in their silences, in the solitude of their spirits, will thank me for this rebellion against the biggest pantomime ever created: life.

I look around  and I see nothing. Since long time ago, I am seeing just nothing.

It is a cloudy and cold day of December. Christmas time is coming, but I am away, absent, very far away from here… and probably I will never come back anymore.

I am driving through a lost road… a forgotten path where everything seems not no matter, like the used toy despised in a dirty corner.

My hopes: a senseless ravine in the woods of my fears, where the sunshine has been banished forever. That is the painting: defeat like the shaking hand. Melancholies and nostalgias the only colors… the loyal friends… and we all dance, ceaselessly, in perfect harmony… and they show me the true semblance of my spirit… old and ready whispering to me that my time is over.

The music from the wind, brings me to this nowness… fictitious or just as real as it seems to be…

The rain is embracing the solitary car, so lonesome there, surrounded by desperation and anguish… by rendition and capitulation… pouring rain… ruthless raindrops perforating echoes from eternal wishes never listened to…

I feel the urge to stop… stop everything… the docile everlasting agreement… the treacherous tomorrow… the coward apathy… the threads of the disgraceful  puppet I became… I need to stop… once and for all…

I stop the car… I get off… possessed… possessed by angels or maybe by tormenter sinners…

The light from the moon dribbles the purple  curtain  illuminating everything… I flow, I fly… I am not there… I am being transported to magical kingdoms… golden hearts… where there is no need of escape… where what it is and where what it seems to be, are just one and the same purifying thing…

You were there… impregnating everything. They were moments dyed by millions of hopes that heralded just tragic endings.

Today, in the middle of so much splendor, in this paradise of renaissance and cruel renewal at last, what was so many times suspected, endlessly feared, has been revealed…

Yes… you were there all the time… silent, in a defeating silence. Now, I can recall the taste of that silence, those instants previous to the tragedy. Those conspicuous grains of eternity that will accompany me until the perpetual vigil possesses me and you come towards me as well…

I am seeing the scene… the most transcendent I could ever star… I am there, awaiting… awaiting you… Solitude is my most loyal friend, the accomplice, the last ally. It is the time in which the tinsels wither, when every lame anecdote melts into Nothingness… when all the vicious subterfuges are in decay.

And.. I am seeing you coming… You are not in black. I am not surprised. Not even wrapped in mystery. Your expression is serene, your silhouette fills all the reckless certainties.  You came because you had to… I bless your presence because I need to. You smile at me… humbly… majestically. You smile in an unknown way by gods and men…

I stare at you… Your eyes… green…like immense prairies in perfect springs… And your halo… speechless…

I assume that the ritual is about to finalize… there are just some sighs to get the circle completed.

A quiet curtain surrounds us. I stare at you back. How many things I would like to tell you! How much left to be done! How many  abandoned sunsets! Words are accessories between us. Our spirits are fused and I understand now, why we all are just one and the very same thing…

The soft pressure of your hand speaks for us… the barrier has to be crossed… Music and paraphernalia… plains and wonderful humps… concerts and antipodes… senses and atrocities… all my pusillanimity and cowardice…

It is not possible to change the written oath. It is not possible to hide into the open skies…

My feet start moving… We go holding hands… together, souls and shells… Darkness… Oceans of darkness…

My hand is kindly pressed. I look at her: an extraordinary smile floods her semblance…

I do understand… I start smiling as well… slightly but sincerely…

 

I don’t know how much time has elapsed… I wake up on the floor completely soaked… I am shaking… but I can’t move… there… lain down… nowhere to go… everywhere… I look at the skies… the sacred vault.. the omnipotent firmament… the only shelter…

Is there any rest for the wicked?

These thunders in my heart are going away?

Will I ever be able to fight for the sun?

Is it possible to be just and anecdote in the course of this tragedy?...

I am getting in the car. I can’t think anymore. I feel feverish… The road is bathed by precious curves anticipating long forgotten landscapes…

It is night time. The sunset closed for renovations a few hours ago and I keep going against the shields of the darkness that embraces me.

Curves and turns… destination set… unknown by mortals and superficial skeletons…

Suddenly, the image or the vision of a small town… incrusted in a hopeless land, arrives at my consciousness catching me by surprise like the unexpected rain in the middle of the driest desert. The silence of an apparent better decision, tells me that I will spend the night there. I see a small hotel in the surroundings. I park the car and walk in. The reception is cold. The lounge abandoned. When did they play here the last song?  I stand there… like in a parallel world, waiting for something to happen, waiting for the next deception , the following disappointment…

The voice of a tiny man breaks the hallucinations that were starting to take over…

-Good evening, sir. How can I help you?

…as  if anyone could help me anyone…

The image of a crucifix on the top of the wall, makes me pondering if there is something worth fighting for…

I go to my room to take a shower. The dinner will be served in one hour. Enough time to go for a stroll  and visit the small town. It is a dark night, one of those so dim and sad of a newly born winter. The streets are completely lonesome.

There I am… in a lost village, wandering… with no destination… but for the very first time since long time ago, I feel so safe… in peace… and the pleasure of walking… observing how life goes by next to you… tasting all the things that surround you…

The streets are made of stones and the facades of the houses are really pretty. I continue walking… I see a solitary man going somewhere for some moments like a dream… How odd! The entire place tastes of half-light. A heady clod dyes every single house, each life… now hidden behind those walls probably now curled up in front of the fire.

I imagine the softness of their conversations, printed forever in the air… the color of their looks… the charm of the fire like the symbol of union. A wave of sadness takes me adrift… to lands of no rainbows made of pure desolation that soaks the deepest areas of my soul.

Inhaling this cold I am filling my desperation  with impossible desires left by others in the sanctuary of light, feeling that any moment has to be ideal to die…

Far away… the barking of a pitiful dog… sound that takes me back to reality… the present reality of my life, caressing the ecstasy of freedom, still in the middle of any street that does not belong anymore… looking at the black sky, feeding myself with premonitions of a hopeless future… awaiting that holy sign to be taken to fuse my breath into nothingness to establish the ending of an existence that should have never begun…

 

Time goes by… Time fades away in the course of eternity. A time to live and another one to let others to continue. I sense the time passing through my veins, leaving as a memory the painting of my wrinkles. Life seems to be like a complete stranger.

I must accept the rules… I ought to accept the game. However, I look inside and I see nothing. My spirit is chained by shadows that foresee destruction, the holocaust… the definite end. My soul wants to breathe no more… being just another part in the corrosive treachery…

I feel myself deadly hurt by poisonous arrows… I yell. I cry in pain. Nobody can see me. Nobody listens. I know this occasion was never granted to me… that I respire the air of others…

If I were bestowed a gift I would not hesitate… I would wish the salvation of death… the eternal rest…

Absurdities no more… iniquity no more… lies and atrocities no more. The worms would end any trace of my regretful life, with something that should never have started…

Which nightmare is this one we are placed in? What is the meaning of all of it? Where are we going? Who are we? Why?

Too many questions… and no solutions… Is it not demonic to exist like this?

 

It is a spacious dining room. Before me, a lot of tables ready to be occupied. Nevertheless, most of the visitors are somewhere else, possibly dreaming about lost opportunities or simply hiding themselves from the sun. I pick one table randomly. I take off my coat. Seconds pass like blurred images from remote memories. The waiter comes with the food, moving very slowly, shuffling his feet, maybe afraid of wanting to awake from his reality, just a bad dream since long time ago.

He leaves, leaving behind nothing that could testify that he exists save the meal just abandoned there…

I am alone… again…and I stare at the plate… mesmerized… hypnotized…yes… alone… always alone… and I understand, I have been alone all my existence… because loneliness has nothing to do with the amount of people you are with but with the state of your soul…

I come back from my abyss of redemption… the food remains untouched… and it will… I am not hungry… I don’t need that nourishment.

I go to my room to rest, to let the night take care of me, to surrender in the unconsciousness… I lie down on the bed… a simple room… four walls… and those sensations once again: I can feel… I can touch the remnants left by other’s lives that one day, for some instants, were in this exact place… lost and desperate, shouting for help, eager to be heard…

I get up and go to the window. I draw the curtain. The view is wonderful… I can see the village in all its splendor… with no room for pretentiousness… fakes and vulgar excuses…

Sounds from other dimensions break the sensation of dream-like… and I just stand there… with the feeling that time and space exist no more…

 

I imagine perpetual joys… waterfalls of smiles and autumns of immense flowers…

The completion has no options… indifferent before the difference… although this one always seemed to be black-colored. And that pain! Where does it come from?

Ignorance like the cause of all sufferings…

Talking and never stopping to assure… when the keys for the next station are there… some steps away from where you are…

Eternal blindness… You pretend to see but the play finalized centuries ago. But the fake continues…

What is this atrocity in which we all stay? When the sun dawns, it will always be late…

The reflex of the schizophrenia will cure the injustices while bastard deserts of majestic chimeras will commence to rot…

Someone please chain the responsible of so much anguish! I don’t think I can bear this anymore!

The sly like a huge mountain… The merciful, besmirched and walled up. The straight, upside down and the ones will never arrive on time… Quiet! Is there anybody there?

-Yes master. Agreed master!

-Yes, sweetheart. Of course, love! As you wish. With you, until the end of the world…

-You must understand: I do need to consolidate the relationship.

-Tomorrow you don’t see the game. We have to go with my friends…

-Yes, love.

-Who is that? Such a stupid person!

I imagine unlimited condemnations… quagmires of filth and vulgarity in Springs decorated with corpses…

 

“… am I dreaming?...

That look… that beautiful and glorious look… containing all the blessings and tragedies throughout the Eternity…

That look.. because we are losing ourselves…because we gave up on trying to catch the sunsets…

That look… that feeds souls and spirits… in the course of a magnificent itinerary…

We are letting ourselves be just anecdotes… simply accidents… tasteless creations…

    …when we are gods… able to conquer hearts and dreams… invincible knights and princesses… we are made of auroras and flowers.. gusts and scented winds… solitudes and rainbows…

…and you look around… and contemplate… because you want to… because the most horrible betrayal is in the negation of taking part of the true journey to our hearts…

…and there are and there will be times in which everything seems to be abandoned… and you cry… in silence… taking all of it with you… all of it… and there… in the very core  of your wonderful and curing sorrow, you can see the true face of eternity… because no matter where I go, you will find me… and all those fictitious moments of hopelessness, dead ends… desperations and anguish will mean nothing in comparison to the evergreen joy that will embrace your murmur…

…that look… inspiration for the angels… source of goodness… of light in your eyes… salvation to all the enigmas that have to accompany us along the way…

…that look… that changes the world for the better… that make yourself worthy of them, who never, ever, ceased of protecting us…

…am I dreaming?...”

 

I wake up… my eyes are open… and that perennial urge… of leaving… of going forward… marching towards unvisited places… challenging ghosts that chase my cowardice…

Soon, it will dawn and I know, I want to be there… accompanying those glorious moments with which the magic of the upcoming day starts…

Destination sunrise… I say to myself… and I smile… letting that sentiment take me wherever the fate wants me to be…

The river of my stagnation flows at last and my wings spread all around announcing a new episode colored by tranquil sighs…

Destination sunrise… there I am… faithful and alone… holding the hand of my new friend… silent but loyal, magnificent and humble… generous and brave… oh, holy loneliness!

 

“I think about what Claudia will be doing. I guess complaining, presenting herself victim in her farce of self-pettiness. I wish things would have occurred in a different way… vain desires against the Gods… futile regrets betraying the pure waters of life… one of the cancers of the human existence… the perdition based on the stubborn tendency of keeping living lies… over and over again… sheltered in our fears and continual decay… because we prefer to be just a bunch of cowards rather than facing the truth…

So long… so long surviving that way… through my veins just filth…despicable solid waste decorated with empty luxurious vessels…

At last, I took the courage to see myself with no excuses… and it is painful, and corrosive… but healing at the very same time. There is renovation just through pain and effort, bravery and honor…

That’s the small price we have to pay… so tiny in comparison to the harm we inflict to ourselves…

The assumption of our recognition is the beginning of the rest of our lives… and if you look up… you will start admiring the blue skies, in a perpetual battle for the sun…

I am smiling… feeling a saving joy in my heart… I have just opened the locks of my chains… forever. And like the perfect culmination of every newly discovered treasure, the buried memory of a precious pearl comes to my mind: “There is a time to live and another one, to testify that we have lived”. Well, it is still time to live and I am going to become deserving to it”

 

The road continues… idyllic landscapes… glorious woods like dreamy glimpses from past kingdoms. Apparent loneliness… the shadows embracing the hopes of those ones, who one day, like me, arrived at these lands of awareness, eager to defy the despotic reign  of silent masks. No past regrets… not future hopes… The plateau of my longings takes me to paradises I could never imagine they would’ve exited.

 I keep driving… tomorrow is Christmas Day… but that does not mean anything anymore… The lyrics of the road fill the entire void that tries to control this world…

Maybe, that’s the meaning of life: fighting for the stars when the dictatorship of the masses has been established… looking resisting so many temptations… temptations of self-destruction… surrender… eternal suffering…

And suddenly, an unexpected visitor… a new born day, with its wonderful splendor… patient and humble… eager to start, hopeful and honest… It waves me serenely… with its rays like multiple arms, warm and loyal. It is another opportunity… one more… or maybe one less…

I stop the car… I get off…

Summits around, majestic and lonely… simple and true… abandoned… However, there they are… and it is the sun… the fighting of my sun, the one that pays homage to them first, because they never give up, the stood against the tyranny… the progressive correctness…

The rays of the sun befriend the cold wind from the North. They meet each other and start to dance. No need of words. Everything repeats again… apparently… I look closer… and closer… as if the rumor of the angels persuaded me to do so… and I see it… at last… there is renovation… so much… all around… and I understand… like a gift… in ending there is renewal, in continuity lies decay…

Contemplating such a perfect harmony, a solitary tear embraces the universe… Yes! It is time for renewal…

 

That melody! That dream-like procession! When you feel that your soul falls apart, when you think that you are not going to be able to reach the dawn, when you feel that the pilgrimage is not possible… be patient! Because by your side, a rainbow lights your sighs and dozens of archangels surround you with their wings.

The skies conspire to let you see through their fictitious clouds. Look at  them! They are offering you a ray of light. Take it! Embrace it! It is your homage, your panacea…

You gave up on believing in yourself, you decided to kneel before the battle started… You walked away instead of fighting in search of the ultimate battle…

You won… poor you! You thought you were defeated like the boy chosen last to play with…But in truth, you were always accompanied…

Today, something has been revealed… Today is the first instant of the rest of your existence. Your shadows fade away because you wanted so… Your ingrained fears are in the exile of their vulgarity… Millions of celestial scents clean your senses…

For the very first time, you are about to contemplate your reflect in the timeless waters of your destiny. A vast dead weight has been liberated. You are ready. A brilliant reflex like the one from the biggest diamond, comes out of your heart. The darkness is banished… You will be awaiting if they attempt to plot.

You look backwards to continue your wandering. Chants and ecstasies… holy you! The kingdom of the senses impregnated my whole core and I will never be alone again…

You chose… you decided: you want to continue…

Preparedness.. like your nourishment… You became conscious: there is just one path towards happiness, that one way called renunciation.

 

“When you give up on your dreams, you will know that you are dead, and the worms are always in starvation”. Heroes of Silence. El espíritu del vino.

The labyrinth tastes of corrosive ancient hopes. From the outside, the scene seems to be real. Fake chants running away, ashamed of so many betrayals.

I imagine… so many others… just like me and like you… so lost, pretending that everything is alright… pretences… the venom of the rooted cowardice that ruins the light that everyone has inside… a light repudiated for so long…

It is not about awareness… it was always about bravery… serving something far more important than us… something much more tangible than this farce, the pagan temple of our disintegrations.

No… there is not harm in darkness… on the contrary… darkness gives us the answers, because we dream embraced by darkness… it is when the purpose of our fates are liberated… when we can be just ourselves, we become bold medieval knights while in darkness… why we run away from it, then?

I am just obeying the worst condemnation, always fearful, fed by complexes, insecure on apparent safe luxurious mirages… fooling others… but it is not possible to fool ourselves during the light time.

We persevere, so strongly. We even seem to be determined, heading north and free. It is the illusion of the light, the know plot… just the spiritual decay…

I am going to be forty four years old. I don’t know if I have left strengths to fight. My time to conquer my world probably is over. I feel myself worn out like the guitar with no strings, broken and forgotten in the storage room. I don’t know what I want… nor what I am doing…

Questions and hesitations. In the meantime, there is a ruthless anarchy trying to take over…

I feel the sea even though I am hundreds of miles away… I feel it… telling me in whispers secrets that could be my only liberation…

 

When the savior morning arrives, I will not be there. At least in the way you might think. Your countenance will have clung to your own everlasting trivialities and the old man will start singing that secular chant which he veneers all the gods in a delusional desperation.

Because what seems to be sobs, are timid grins, wrapped with an infinite sorrow… from a dyed contentment, shallow and empty like the precious jar, whose only aim has been to pretend.

It will be the moment… the moment when the music will dance no more… the moment… when at last, the tears will be honest, liquid stars falling with the sea of a pure sentiment… the moment when the echoes and the eclipses  will unveil the postponed liberation… mixed with pain and exile making your guts feel in harmony for the first time in the succession of your mistaken waits. The pain that will tear your apart… in one million of pieces… pieces that will not be a part of you anymore…

Each kiss, each word… each dedicated rite, becomes the greatest torment because I can’t pursue the wind…

The battle is uneven… I am disarmed… already surrendered… The victory does not matter, because soon, my breath will be banished and my cape will not let me fly anymore…

Heaven dances with hell. The harmless little birds will never sing again. There is a huge sadness that made them be not believers. They understood that no matter how many lullabies are sung, everything goes in the wrong direction, all the things will end even before they started…

And surrounded by irrefutable proves that we try to destroy, we continue staring at something we can’t see and so lost, imagining a better future, aware though that in truth, the only event awaiting us is called… decadence.

 

Puzzles ahead… The continuation of a simple sinking… I am not part of the world anymore… not of this one where those who speak don’t know anything and those who know, don’t speak.

The sun is falling down… and I don’t want to stay if I can’t see the sun…

It is my battle, it is my odyssey… Luminous hearts… eternal sunsets… among barred truths and locked sweet dispositions…

Everybody stays but I go… I am going… at last… clowns knelt…

Somewhere, the petals of a song decorate inconsolable tears.  

There is not cure for this sadness… there is not any salvation for melancholy… Your mirror is the sanity of their illusions… the final gift, the initial apocalypse…

Where is the lucid rainbow then? Ask the heavens. The answer is handed by endless apostasies by cornered princesses.

It is in the flames of every search when all hope has been denied…

It is in the anonymous poem… in the sound of your hopes… in the unexpected magic… in the perfect flight of the rain… in the embraces of a wind prone to transport us everywhere…

The man and their circumstances… Fallacies, mere fallacies…Is it not the try of the impossible the beginning of the eternity? We all should be just one… but we are not… most of them are… same chorus… with the identical choir…

 

Tyrant women… men in slavery… So tired and bored of the same venomous predictability… A continuous dictatorship… the dictatorship from a simple empty shell…

And myself there… becoming an infamous version of myself… accepting the rules that made me so worthless, so pusillanimous, a mere shadow, tamed and submissive… obedient, ready to be carried on a leash, in exchange of fatuous games to be kept in a rot painting…

I just transformed myself into a vulgar creature… with no dignity… with no fate…

I sold my body and my soul to you… to be used as your toy, your slogan, your pet… your petty possession…

 

Your masks… those feeble attempts… those poses… I don’t recognize you! In the waters of the existence, my reflex doesn’t show up because nobody is able to contemplate me.

Every moment, a part of me is staying behind… irremediably. And I don’t want it. I think I never wanted it.

Vacuity, skeletons with hopes  in decomposition towards and ending dyed of surprise.

An asphyxiating darkness holding the hand of a glorious dusk. Despair, one and thousand times! For every moment of uneasiness, an eternity of peace. For every instant of desolation, one million of years of tranquility. The wind loaded with illusion that will never be carried out, adores the solitude of the silence.

Among so many misfortunes, it is just your most sincere absorption that will get you vaccinated against your pernicious desires.

When the accessory becomes a part of yourself, something will be swept by the nothingness, but that, it’ll be just the beginning…because when a minuscule island of you becomes aware about the reality… a sad and unstoppable reality, you will start sobbing… oceans of tears will flood the world… your world… and nothing will be the same anymore because despite your attempts in order not to know, you did not get it.

The perimeter of your failure will chain your braveries and you will curse having been chosen to see the light, a light that now, you know too late, is just darkness.

 

It is getting late. It’s been dark many hours ago. I am approaching to a new town. It’s ten pm. Nobody around. I see a downtown sign. I am going there. I need to stroll, observe life.

It is Christmas eve.

Everybody at home, with their families.

I park the car, put the coat on and start wandering…

A fine rain commences to fall with a irreverent shyness. In no time, the streets become a mirror. The pavement shines. A glorious night… I am walking holding the hand of the most beautiful creature around: loneliness.

Maybe nothing is real, perhaps a dream, an insane dream.

Maybe nothing that seems to happen does…

Is this… all of this, for real? Is it not a bad yoke, sheer fiction?

I find myself so exhausted… so disconnected… detached… am I even here? If this is it… this! I don’t want to have anything in relation to that… No!

How is possible so much unfairness… lies…

Yes! Probably, very soon I am going to wake up and nothing will be the way it looks like…

I stop, standing still… saved by the magical rain from the sighs of so many who felt the same way before…

I close my eyes and wait… Maybe the enchantment will fade away and once I open my eyes again, will be able to sense everything in its real appearance…

I  can see all the longings and illusions betrayed by brave hearts and bold pilgrims… I can see, there, in front of my breath, skies and graves dancing in perfect harmony… I can see the rewards when you don’t expect anything… I can see how the forgotten are the ones to save us… I can see how blind I have always been…

I open my eyes again… and… darkness… and tragedy… perdition… everything is still the same… I keep caught by the curse… The same buildings… the rain sliding through the cracks of my face… heartless streets… a sky without stars… a life without any frenzy… a future without ecstasy….

I stare at the blocks… and I think the amount of families that in those precise moments are celebrating being together, save, sheltered by good wills and hidden hypocrisies…

Among all the streets, I always love looking at life through the darkest ones… the ones less walked… through the abandoned ones… And there, in the middle of those lost links, I try to fathom the latent secret that wraps the apparent nonsensical journey…

I fight against rotten images that try to enslave my spirit. I lead a courageous battle to understand the omens to head to the right path to meet the true reason to believe…

Unexpectedly, a figure wrapped in mystery comes from the other way. It seems hesitant… shuffling the feet… The person passes me with indifference… I turn around and observe it… aimless… coatless… short hair. Suddenly, falls down. I remain still, paralyzed… confused… waiting for something to happen… on a stage with just two hearts invading the whole universe…

The word nothingness is imprinted in every object, in every motion, in each decaying reflex from a tired light that fights to free its way among the parade of stubborn pearls transformed by magic into what it seems to be just raindrops.

It looks like a ghost town… with two phantasmal silhouettes striving for been swallowed by the omnipresent oblivion that consumes everything around…

The strengths from previous lives whisper to me that I must react. I reach the person. I kneel and ask how is she. The silence doesn’t greet me back. I shake her vigorously. Nothing. I don’t know what to do. I take her pulse. She breathes… I have to get some help. There is not time to be lost. It could be serious.

At the time to go… a shaking voice raises from the ubiquitous silence:

-Please, don’t go… don’t leave me here…  

I look back… She is trying to stand… I run to her… to help her…

-Are you ok? What happened?

-I am fine…

-Are you sure?

-Sure… sure…

-Well…

I am leaving… in slow motion… dragged by some steps that push me without any conviction… any passion…

-What’s your name?

-I turn around… our eyes meet… they inspect mutually… confess…

-My name is Saul…

-I am Ariadna…

 

Lost paradises… happiness of boredom.

Selfishness and unreason eloped with decay.

Feeling sadness, sublime beauty…

Whoever caresses the silence, will wake up and then, the decoration will be perpetual. Senses no more, broken gadgets no more… only us: you and I, spirits at last.

Unfathomable destinies… spells of lust… Don’t you see it? They are just simple ghosts!

Their laughter is just a sob… their attire, fetters… their comeliness, makeup…

You forget over and over again that we came on a mission, a golden task…

You gloat over your sloth… just a few paradises left…

Angels whisper: “Poor you…” You can’t hear them because you are in dream-like times… because you just came to die…

 

A new day. It’s Christmas Day. I start opening my eyes. I look drowsy at what seems to be my hotel room. It is like any other room of any other hotel…

The rays of light slide through the curtains of the windows and the shadows of the furniture murmur some old moments lived there by other people… on their way to nowhere…

I feel old and tired… with no will to get up…

Lucidity came to show me the reality in its total desperation.

It´s morning time… and I remember that some lives before I was a morning person…

Thoughts come without permission and enslave me to take them with me like heavy and unbearable crosses… What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want?...

An ocean of doubts is the only response…

Insecurity torments me…

I am loosing myself into woods of feverish insanities…

All the things around are in a mess… Silences bumps into its chaos…

I get up… cowardly like someone who just got his death sentence.

I am going to take a shower… the water talks to my fears, softening the tragedy of the unknown once again… the protocol spreads its magic wings and makes me feel rejuvenated…

Among all the brumes of this succession of defeats that are my present days, an image arises…  Arianda’s… Will she still be in the hotel?...

Someone knocks on the door… and she greets me:

-Good morning, Saul!

 

"There are interior prayers, the prayers of silence. there are even unconscious prayers when men have goodwill. A thought from you may be a prayer in the eyes of god. think of me occasionally." Graham Greene.

I am lost. I am sailing through seas of indecision and insecurity. I can bear it no more… Coffins of masks are cornering me…

The maze in which my transit has become asphyxiates me. The air is polluted…as my life is…

I don’t need more insoluble responses…

Hesitations flood my spirit…

Around, people don’t exist anymore… there is just an indecent representation of marionettes playing secondary roles…

In the meanwhile, the scythe of time approaches… closer… and closer…

Is it worth keeping playing this rude farce?

Must I keep bearing this lingering death?

Ideas hurt… Breathing hurts… Deadly mists light my dark understanding…

What is the purpose of all of this?

What are the rules?

I prefer to die rather than this living death…

Indecisive… misplaced… What to do? Which road to take?...

Clowns reign and shadows shatter themselves…

Perdition is stalking me…  Time never forgives… And there, far… you can glimpse the paradise. But nobody is certain…

Poor you if you don’t believe in God… because then, this will be your kingdom…

Living is suffering and I must find the reason of it. The cause of this theatrical representation…

Religion… faith… silence…

Searching… not finding… hard is to look for… Easy not to find…

Longings… frustrations… illusions… disillusions… hopelessness… anguish… boredom…

Jesters come back to their supremacy and I just want to be no more…

Everything is set… Whoever pulls the strings changes of costume very often…  but he never takes off his mask…

In between times, shadows flow and I am so fed up with being just like one of them…

 

¨The house next door makes me

sad. The people are nice people, I

like them. But I feel them drowning.

And I can’t save them. They are surviving.

They are not homeless. But the price is terrible.

Charles Bukowski. Safe.

 

Why?

The breeze stopped and an old beggar lies cut by her wrinkles. She embraces an indifferent multitude very busy in groping for yesterdays while she implores with shouts of silence a simple smile… a fleeting smile that feeds a barren and withered spirit since too long ago…

Their countenance could be just a veil, hit by tears spilled in a state of decomposition… in a latent rottenness, as the result of a gloomy whip that flogs us: live.

Despite all things, two pearls remain pure… they are green and eternal, because in their majesty they last humble, simple, knowing that, like the succession of seasons or the passing days, everything continues towards the end… a near end that dyes those bright stars with tiredness and hope at the same time, made who knows of dreams or reality, fear or a soft acceptance…

Drunkenness possesses her… invalidating the pain of an existence in which there was just misfortune, in which someone forgot to add for her the possibility of the gift as a lenitive…

Not even that was granted to her as to many others… God! What’s happening?

All of a sudden, the breeze changes its direction, darkness hides itself and among a mix of inquisitiveness and restlessness, everything is colored with magic… and whoever in the appearance seemed to shine… in the artifice glowed, who in the lie triumphed, occupies their own position… and our lady beggar becomes a queen… her wrinkles transform themselves into soft and silky cheekbones and her pearls caress the most recondite of the miserable… poor them!

Nothing last more than the necessary sparks… and the prophecy becomes real in the middle of a perpetual rainbow…

It is your time… beggar-queen… You are taken before whom is observing you in a patient wait… before whom ultimately takes charge about Harmony and Justice meet one another and then, they never separate themselves anymore…

Don’t be afraid… your spirit carried nothing but forgiveness, humility and love. Your rags were pain, your starvation a fleeting butterfly  cuddling your golden locks, your suffering a holy rose in eternal splendor… the whole you… one of the many chosen…

 

Come on! The storm has begun and soon everything will be unpolluted. Thunder and lightning before the definite peace, a deserved peace which in its last verse proclaims:

“Kissing goodbye in perpetual

 yesterdays of lands towards the light…”

Her image impacts me. A shudder takes over my spine.

With her presence, the room shines like never before. I sit on the bed by her side. Sweet scents from legendary thrones cover everything. For the very first time, I can contemplate her. She wears a woolen green dress, black shoes. Her face is beautiful: fine features, gray eyes, light brown short hair. A halo of sadness surrounds her. Silence drowns my will. Time exists no more. Nothing fills a place. Just… her… I feel like the protagonist in a movie, as if within the wardrobe there was a hidden camera… as if it were a mistake in the script of a pantomime… as if they got mistaken about the place and the people…

Am I daydreaming? I feel myself floating, under the effects of anesthesia…

-Good morning! How are you today?

-I really needed to rest…

-And... what are your plans? Where are you going to?

-Frankly… I don’t really know… Anywhere… What about you?

-I don’t have plans… Do we have a breakfast?

-Sure! I join you in five minutes…

-Sounds great!

-Fine!

Ariadna leaves the room and with her, part of me…

The place saddens itself again. Vulgarity reigning again. Shadows multiply inevitably. The sun is flooded by the desolation that impregnates my soul.

Our mutual paths met. Now after so many crossings, I feel again… I realize that I breathe, I live…

All my being had been emptied…

A rebellious attraction petrifies me. I hesitate. A sea of contradictions pushes me into de depths of my own hallucinations.

However it is not a time to doubt. I get ready and go downstairs with determination. But, what am I doing? This is crazy…

         …but in these moments… in these distressing moments, what can I lose? A glorious victory I got. The only one of my sad and regretful existence: I opened my eyes at last. But… once opened… it is not enough just to contemplate…

Yes! I am going to suggest her to go somewhere together… that I am as lost as she is… that this encounter is not by accident…

I don’t recognize myself! It’s delusional!

I get the dining room. She is already seated in a table next to the window. Precisely in this moment, the waiter arrives. He asks what we want to order. Take the order and leaves. We are alone.

-The truth is that I don’t know what it could happened to me. I passed out momentarily. I got lucky you were there…

-Coincidences…

-Really? I don’t believe in them…

-Don’t you?

-…every act, every situation… I don’t think they happen for no reason…

-…I don’t know… I remember I was walking… aimlessly… wandering… There, not here… Just before turning to the street in which I found you, I was about to change of direction and come back… And… you showed up…

-That’s the way it was supposed to be… I believe that somehow, fate or whatever you might want to call it, pushed us to bump into each other… Like that… here… now…

-Umm… I am not sure what to think… Maybe you are right… Who knows? What I do know is that I am happy I met you… that the destiny or fate or… whatever… wanted us to meet…

-…me too…

The waiter comes back with the meals as if he had come back from a completely different world.

-Ariadna. I must continue my way. I am leaving the hotel. Are you sure you feel ok?

-Oh, yes! I feel fine… I am leaving too…

-Sir, you the bill is ready in the reception.

-Thank you…

-How odd life is… I got lost… letting the silence taking me… almost alienated…  I recall observing the buildings passing by… the streets covering everything with a taste that made me feel dizzy… slowly… caustically…

I believed I was floating… as if it were happening a dream…

And that sensation!... like everything was so heavy… even my own breathing… as if one hundred giants took me captive among their arms…

   …and… I just… closed my eyes… and you came to me…

… I would love to accompany you…

-But… we are two complete strangers…

-Maybe not… not in the world from which we come from…

I behold her… I’d spend a whole eternity like this… contemplating her… tasting her profiles… admiring that sad look that fill the entire room… I try to caress her nostalgias. Her presence is my nourishment, her stele makes all of the cells of my being feel in heaven…

-Are you sure?

-I’ve never been more sure…

-Then, let’s go!

Out… it’s a wonderful day. Twenty fifth of December. My heart beats strongly.

“Will all be determined? Is there any free will? What is our mission here then?”

Her voice is making haste…

-Let’s go stranger… There is no time to be lost! Get ourselves out of here!

 

“There is happiness only if we expect nothing from the future and accept what today brings to us, with gratitude. The magical hour always arrive”. Herman Hesse.

 

I am happy. The lost paradise has been given back. I sense again. Sensations return after lifetimes of dire successions of polluted vane desires.

It has passed almost one year. The strings of the heart got broken.

From the very beginning the Kingdom of Shadows reigned.

Days as a tribulation…

Nothing was the same anymore…

My spirit weakened until befriended the whistle of my sorrow…

It was hard to breathe… Apathy covered everything… Blossoming was barred along with the ethereal habit of flowing…

Alone and desperate… My accomplices…

Now, what was going to happen to me? I looked and I saw nothing… Wherever I went: frustration chased me: wanting and not being able…

But I found them… in time… I wonder what I could have done without them… They showed me paradises, bucolic territories, colossal kingdoms, massive hearts…

I listened to them very carefully… I drank their worries. Their pain was my pain… We befriended… True friends… How many shared moments… how many feelings…

Mutual thoughts, suffering… heart…

I come back… at last… It seems as if nothing had changed… Same old air… same skies… same vaults… same water…

Silence soaks everything…

The scenery returns me a reflex that could be called utopia… and deposit it next to me, like the biggest offering ever granted…

They are ready… I start walking… A soft and nostalgic melody whispers ancient truths, secret no more…

I am happy… among the shadows at the park, I start to cry…

 

We are placed temporarily and spaciously… But, metaphysically? What happens?...

There are skies and stars… the nights come after the days… dawns greet good morning each new born day…

We know that we can be hot or cold… feel sympathies or antipathies… that everything comes to an end… but… what occurs to us? What’s our mission? Is everything by accident? Is the any predetermined plan? How sad is be blindfolded!

However, it may be a blessing… I look at life in the eye… I observe what is happening around… just shadows… shadows that work with contempt… shadows dragging themselves… that paint their own lives of happiness. Bars and taverns inundated with puppets possessed by emaciated masks because of their unhappy experiences… of being aware of taking part of a farce and not having enough strengths to rebel against it…

Everywhere filled with couples without knowing what to say to each other…

Lame excuses and arrogant subterfuges in order not to recognize the trash that nourishes their penitence…

Hypocrisies, lies and falsities. Some live in the past because the present subjugates them and the future makes them feel terrified…

Others believe that they live when the only thing they do is to perform what somebody else expects from them…

And others… claim to be happy… and they really are… Of course! Happy in the Kingdom of Ignorance… idolizing clowns… looking for sanctuaries of fame and prosperity… boasting about their wisdom… their subjective truths… about their new brand car… their trendy fashion that follow no matter what… sleeping peacefully with all their dreams come true…

Meanwhile, moments go by and walls keep standing… daring and tyrant…

I look at it… painfully… wondering if life is worth living… Everything seems to be just absurdities… if we don’t find a reason for which life is supposed to hurt… for which ideas must be painful… preventing us from resting… for which we will always be eternally ignorant… for which after passing precious moment, vulgarity takes over… sailing among hesitations and contradictions… among sufferings...

In the bottom of my soul… in the deepest and recondite place… I intuit a meaning in relation to this valley of tears… this imperfect world. It must be even sadder for those who don’t find any justification…

The solution is given… by flowers…winds… solitudes…the sobbing of the sea after the golden tide…

They whisper to me that I must accept this world… these rules… that I must suffer because this one is not Heaven. Because I have to ear the bread with the sweat from my forehead…

 Because the mission that we carry out here and now is overwhelming and the meaning of all of it is… peace.

Because we live death by living or drink from life towards the next destination…

They whisper to me that we must become a serene audience before injustices, iniquities, arbitrariness, atrocities… and we must accept it…

At the same time, our beloved ones abandon us and an inscrutable emptiness fills out our souls…

For everything… I state that suffering justifies to live. This suffering is the only motivation to keep dying in life…

My eyes are getting lost… step by step… My anesthetized mind by this rejuvenating boredom says goodbye reminding me how hard is to be faithful to conscience and that tomorrow… tomorrow… may be a new day…

 

The two of us in the car. Landscapes welcoming us… The heart of life beats next to us…

Sadness and melancholies in exile…

Illusion and hopes…

Thunderous silences. Bewitched. Haunted.

It comes to my mind the poem by Pessoa:

“In order to be big, be whole: don’t exaggerate

Or exclude anything.

Be all yourself in each thing. Do your

Best in the least you might do.

Thus, the moon shines in every lake,

Because tall she walks”

I feel that I recuperate another lost paradise: that one of trying to embrace life. The predisposition of tasting each moment as if it were the last one…

Because, in fact, each moment is the last one… unique… genuine… The key is called sameness… routine… tedium…

Here, now… I feel strong enough to excommunicate you all… Go and never come back!

I know… you won’t be late returning…

I have to be ready… I am about to drink and absorb… annihilate these fragments of existence…

-Well Ariadna… let’s go to the end of the world!

-I suggest something better…

-Like…

-…Let’s take any road and follow it until its end… until getting the place where life is life and death, death… where it’s never dark and butterflies life forever…

-…where it not necessary to be worried about anything or anyone. Where the music is not confounded by noise… where we can die of feeling our own sentiments so strongly… where everything is just garden and desert, night and day… sunrise and sunset… Where the rooted out finds their way…

-Let’s go… go, and don’t never stop!

Silence murmurs paradisiacal sensations. It is cold. Twilight is approaching with indecency like the lukewarm sun running away in a winter morning… who cares?

 

Today, at last, I understood that happiness does not exist. Once and for all, the tunnel has been lit…

It is painful to be aware of the truth… My soul aches because of knowing… being conscious about that this live, all the lives, are a tragic experience.

From this moment on… I am able to look at the disguise in a different way… with pity… with a profound desolation… not because they ignore what happens around but because they persevere in not wanting to know. It is said that there in not blindest person than that one that doesn’t want to see.

Probably the worst plague of the humankind is ignorance. It is easy to live embraced by it… but the pain of the truth is thousand times better than the falsity of unawareness…

At the same time, decadence is merciless and after each water of solemnity, a part of us kisses goodbye…

And vermin always alert…

Today I am eighteen years old and I am absolutely conscious that I am planets away from the rest of the world.

And, alone in the consolation of the banishment more atrocious I bury my tears between the sheets…

 

-Ariadna, what is your story?

-I don’t think you want to hear it…

-Oh, no worries! Sure! Go ahead…

-Well… I am twenty six years old… and… I got married very young and… later, I did not have time to…

-Did not your dreams come true?

-Let’s say, not completely…

-It happens most of the time…

-I guess… but how hard is to realize about it…

-And now, what next? Your life… your dreams…

-At the moment, I just need to go, escape from this labyrinth, breathe, live and try to know myself better…

-How complicate is everything, right? Probably we will die and we will not be able to know ourselves. At best, we notice what we don’t like. And in those rare moments of clarity that special light turns on and at last we do know what to fight for, it is too late.

-I believe never is too late…

-No. I think there is a time to live and another one to testify that we have lived. I am turning forty four and feel that the period to live is gone… that I’ve lost too many irrecoverable moments… I don’t have enough strength for most of the things…

-No… don’t say that… please. I am going through tough times myself too but you don’t have to be so melodramatic. Everybody experiences that at certain point… Simply, sometimes are better than others. You will see how in a few days time, you will see things in a different way…

-… you are mistaken… My conception about life has nothing to do with the specific moment I am living right now. Even in the happiest ones, my beliefs are the same. They are two completely different things. You would get surprised how in situation where I seemed to be joyful, a deep melancholy hit me like a bolt. I remained paralyzed without knowing what to do or what to say and I had to go from where I was… to walk, to conciliate my spirit because what was occurring did not belong to me. After a while, I used to come back from my wandering. Things were not the same. I tried to recover that newly experienced joy but something inside got broken…

-Are you melancholic?

-I am profoundly melancholic. It doesn’t matter where I am… the situation… When it arrives, a streak of nostalgia shatters all… and I can’t help it… I guess it might be because of the feeling that with each passing moment, some part in us dies and we can’t change that…

-Yes… we can… we can live every instant to the fullest…

 

“And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

And it repented the lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart” Genesis 6, 5-6

 

I feel that we all are poison. Our motivations are based on pure convenience. Temptations as siren songs. My conscience always alert. How hard it to be faithful to you! My spirit bleeds…

Incurable sores blossom in my being. But I have to go on. I accept the rules. They are so painful. Gods did not creates us as gods… we’re just flesh and blood… Only selfishness in our veins… it is the kingdom of hypocrisy, true cancer of the existence…

Led by twisted towards the oligophrenic’s path.

Thinking, what for? Exist! No worries! It doesn’t matter. Just, enjoy because nothing else is important. And herds of lambs drag their blasphemy on the mud.

Overcrowded brothels. Full hovels. Indifferent dawns because we keep being just disposable trash. Nothing to say. Nothing to help. A huge grief possesses me.

I am conscious about the terrible curse carved on our own blood by our darkest sides: it is not possible to win. It hurts, but this pain that gnaws… burns… caresses my weakness and I do understand that the most valuable victory is to know that we forfeited from the very start…

“I just know that I know nothing”. What such a silly statement! I would have been able to say that myself. Heaven will be the dwelling for those who understand that we will never stop being ignorant… completely illiterates…

How daring ignorance is! How self-righteous! Shouting, defying… and the villains, who pull the strings, knowing everything…  The control the marionettes because this is the Kingdom of Ignorance in which the consciences without any scruples believe there is nothing after this life…

Tramps of eternity… Pilgrims in the desert. Swords unsheathed. The combat is about to start. Everybody loses. Decadent, pathetic representations of what one once wanted to be and never was. And time elapses. In fact, there was never time because it never existed the chance…

Illusions, nostalgias and melancholies exchanged by dreams that never came true.

The story repeats itself: other characters, same situations… souls producing their last death rattles in order to let others waste sunrises…

If there is not any paradise, is this not a macabre joke?

Spells of mundane pleasures chain the poor devils. Meanwhile, the more we posses, the more we lack… And the destiny draws absurd tracks to be trodden by grayish existences finding their only consolation playing secondary roles in pantomimes and farces.

Me… in the middle of that… I observe… and lower the arms that never raised… And I see another twilight with red clouds and realize that I must fight… otherwise, nothing would ever make sense…

This sorrow… this sadness… I am drowning of nostalgias… Why? What’s the reason of it?...

When the light goes for renovations… when the rosy announces another final frustration, when shadows enlarge themselves… something in the core of my heart dies and I am aware that never will come back again. I try to embrace what is going… I fight to not lose it… but it always abandons me…

My soul breaks in one million of pieces. I know, nothing is as it was. Labyrinths of mirrors project grotesque figures in which I identify myself…

I implore the skies for help… knelt… to recover some strengths… because since too long ago, I have lost all the reasons to keep fighting…

 

-Ariadna… I don’t expect anything… I am turning forty four and I feel so tired of lies… of experiencing always something opposite to all what I ever imagined…  always worse… much worse. I want to fuse myself into nothingness…

I have been married for sixteen years… sixteen years of a complete falseness… Being there for laziness… for being a coward… Getting up in the morning next to a stranger every morning…. Going to work to pay the mortgage, to lead a lifestyle based on what others might say… trying to find justifications… “well, everyone does the same”…

But after some time, I found out myself on the reflex of the truth… that caustic truth that says that I don’t love my wife, that I hate my job… that I am done… with fake anniversaries… empty presents… forced smiles… corrupted desires…

…and with you… all of that… fades away…  with you I don’t fear the next day to come…

…I know… I know… you will leave as well… at least I will have something with me to keep…

-You can’t imagine how much I understand you… the disillusion from the dreams never come true… disappointment after disappointment…

-The most painful matter is that I never wanted to open my eyes… and now… I think it’s too late… I am so powerless to start anew, somewhere else… this is so tough…

-Nobody said it was going to be easy… Everything worth fighting for has to be that way… and makes sense, because in the difficulties lies the true value…

-I look at you and I wonder if this is for real… maybe it is just an illusion… and nothing of this is happening… my life is beautiful… I am happily married and love my job…

-No! That never, Saul! We should never fall into the temptation of not looking at what it is. I am going through different times myself and it is clear to me that I will never betray myself… this precious life once was given to me…

It is possible to fool others but not ourselves. The other, is just cowardice…

Yes… we are cowards… in the façade we feel safe… brave… fulfilled…

-Indeed… in your way to the precipice… that one that we are building with our presumptuous safety…

-I wish I could recover that time…

-Maybe… everything starts by looking at it… at yourself… trying to understand…

-…easy to say it though… but you can’t imagine how you feel when one day, at last… you just want to realize… and start looking around and the only thing you see is shadows… And then, you commence to comprehend… why those hesitations… that sadness in the morning… and ask yourself… and deep down… you know… of course, you do, but don’t want to reach those recondite areas where there can’t be any room for what your life was made of: lies, dishonesty, suffering…

And while each piece is completing the puzzle, you feel worse and worse… taciturn… somber… and that sorrow!, that tears you out, gnawing you from the inside…

Little and little, you know yourself better  and discover how useless you are…

Each passing day, you just confirm your miserable existence. And gradually, you just lost your eagerness: the succession of days is meaningless… the comparison of the old days with the present is odious… and slowly… you lose the zest to keep going… because you found out your life is so empty…

-I kind of understand how you might feel… because my story is quite similar to yours…

…I got married… head over heels… You just leave all for the sake of love… all…

You get married… he is the love of your life… your charming prince. The panacea of love will take charge of everything… we are young, penniless, but as we love each other, everything will be alright. But reality is always different from what we imagine… Then, bills don’t cease to come… first fights and somehow, something inside get broken… soundlessly, atrociously… You try to convince yourself that that’s normal, that happens in all the relationships… everything will come back to normal very soon… but that soonness never shows up… He spends much less time with you… becoming a complete stranger… always busy… almost indifferent, absent…

But then she arrives… your new loyal and faithful friend: loneliness, with which you are going to spend so many hours… so many moments…

At the time when you gathered enough bravery to talk about it… after so much pain… suffering… due to the indifference that now rules your life, nothing that once existed… remains…

-Ariadna!

-What is it?

-Just hug me…

The sound of the rain. Kingdom of darkness. Shared solitude. Two orphan souls united by the misery of life…

 

“The realization of ideals depends on the grade of renunciation that we are capable of” Juan Carlos Onetti.

 

I don’t expect anything, at last… I learned to renounce. But, is there something to renounce from? Or is it about the mirage of hope?... a fatal hoax…

Shadows… candid and perverse souls at the same time… poor you in your world of pretentiousness and political correctness…

Don’t you feel pain in your souls by performing rotten plays?

Denigration… No dignity…devastation… absence of sun…  

I would like don´t realizing  in order not to die each second… I would like not to know… that things were different… that after a happy second, another one would substitute it… but nothing ever happens in the way you want…

Everything is set not to make any sense… or to find the sense in the core of that insanity…

I give up on forming part of vane illusions, fake hopes, believing in a better future… utopias of pusillanimity not to take off the bandage and recognize that all is putrefaction, decomposition…

Grayish and heartbreaking lives… drink from your polluted consciences but don’t expect me to do so…

Call me whatever you want, but I will never join your parade of skulls, your herd of petty caricatures, your club of braggarts…

And having found my path from renounce, from suffering… from the pain of my ideas, I am telling you all that I feel ashamed of you… that this detachment with the world is the biggest of my achievements and that here, in the antipodes of you, I start to cry… and the tears come from my eyes inflaming my eyelids, flooding the entire universe, perforating my cheekbones because today I know that it will never happen what was never possible…

 

Today in the decline of my days, I have understood… too late… how all the things that happen in this life are born contaminated…

Today I’ve understood that we all are doomed by the cruelest of all of the condemnations: delusions. They are given to flagellate us, to chain us and sacrifice our wings for impossible chimeras. Displaying their tricks, captivating us with magic… and we fall… again… until the end of times…

The same pattern… Behind each nonsensical delirium, each apparent absurdity… hides the true path. It is filled with paraphernalia, with useless hypocrisy, infinite fuzz. But out there, before you, waiting to unravel the enigma, it lies…

And you are never ready… because the cultivation is always the right one… because it takes to turn into far different curves… because all the factors are set to be against…

It is then, when our stabbing pusillanimity embraces us, reaching out… And after brief but transcendental moments, the crack closes itself up… for ever… and the condemnations becomes eternal…

You just let the only chance to be sealed and now you just have a place remaining… a place to suffer… the subterfuge of the what if.  

And those are the moments in which you have been given the significance of your existence. Before you, a performance dedicated to you… the play based on all the things that you could’ve done… all the roses and thorns of your mission… You contemplate everything. But you can’t do anything. Time passed and although you tried to be ready to understand that time does not exist, you finally find out that it does. It exists in a very devastating way, in a way that you can feel the senescence through your spirit, your soul. You can sense that the time of wine and roses remained behind, irremissibly behind.

From far away, does not matter where you actually are, you listen to a sobbing that freezes your own blood. From that moment on, it will accompany you forever. Together, you will walk holding hands and it will never get tired of reminding you the reason why you are there… that why that makes you fall apart… because of you wasted all the opportunities you were granted for…

 

“I might be wrong… probably nothing looks like I see it… maybe they are right… or maybe there is not any reason to look for…

Either way… here I am. This spirit that occupies my being… filling the emptiness of my soul, holding my desires for agony and destruction…

Maybe she is an angel sent by God to purify me… or it is a bad dream and I am supposed to wake up any moment… or perhaps it is a paradise that Fate had in store for me…

Blue sounds… capricious sensations… wicked elfs…

Time, stop! No more hideous broken hearts… no more silent fleeting diasporas… My angel sleeps and the nightmare, vanishes…”

 

I am dying… I come apart… myself is not mine anymore… in fact, it was never… After each passing instant, a part of me disappears… I disintegrate myself… A Goddess wants me not being aware, but she can’t hoax me.

I know her… I never saw her… I can smell her perfume… she is there, next to us… she has the knack of ubiquity… omnipresent… eternal… from the beginning of times…

Meanwhile, the world eludes her presence… it is something on which is not appropriate to talk about…

With each step… degradation, ruin, the continuation of all, the pilgrimage on the path of grieving towards the paradise, the salvation, because if this is it… all we get and ever would, I’ll leave today… and disappear…

And being conscious about your kingdom… sacred decay… I embrace you now and promise you to be loyal and true… with no lamentations… because in my pocket is the ticket already expired…

 

Two days traveling, discovering places and unexpected worlds… Destination unknown…

We feel harmony around us. Time and space have been banished from our conscience. I look at myself. Before I saw a sad silhouette. Now, there is a person smiling… joyful… jubilant…

If bliss exists, it must be this.

Nothing lasts forever yet. Any moment, can be the ending.

Each day that goes by since the instant in which I dared confronting myself tells me that nothing will be ever the same. I look backwards and I see myself reflected in the mirrors of stupidity playing a role in a tragicomedy with a tragic end…

I will never come back to that…

Strengths control my weakness. Each memory of vulgarity is replaced by a promise of change, change to stop being a shadow, a waste, a wreck… a caricature…

Because I renege from my past, from all the men that never rebel, those who never care about knowing themselves better… justified existences on cowardice… Don’t you realize that you are running out of time and you are still on time to soften your pain? Don’t you understand the true reasons why your blood is boiling, your are always in a bad mood?

Fight or at least try!  But don’t keep dragging yourselves, stammering impossible desires, whispering dreams that destiny never granted you.

For every moment of struggle, the painful combat…there is less left… sooner  than later it will dawn in your goal… the goal of yourselves…to be… to just… let it be…

 

The sequels of the tidal wave depend on the thickness of your more beautiful horizon…